Archive for February, 2007
Three years ago we moved to a village and for the first time
in my adult life, I joined a community. I joined a mother and toddler’s group
and over time have forged great friends, supporters and laugh-out-loud moments.
On Sunday, I held a birthday party for my four year old son
in the village community hall. I dressed as superwoman and my hubby as a power
ranger. We terrorised and entertained a group of 4 year olds for a period of 2
hours. It was probably the longest two hours of my life! But I also had moments
of utter happiness.
but also that our family was part of a community. These women, mothers of the
village were now my friends and helped me set up the hall and blew up balloons
and washed the dishes afterwards.
I felt supported and felt that ‘group witnessing’ thing
where we watched in despair/pride as our little ones alternatively had tantrums
and did star turns. We were revelling in/surviving parenthood because we had
each other to lean on and to share with. This support makes me very, very
happy.
When I lived in London,
I had no real local community to be part of. When I had my son Charlie, I
didn’t join any mother’s group because the plan was always to move from our
flat to a house in the country. It took us 18 months to find somewhere. I was
on my own with my new baby (well, my husband flitted in and out) and it was one
of the loneliest periods of my life.
supported by that community makes me happy. The other mummys are like me -
slummy/dummy mummies with nothing to prove and everything to give/learn.
They are kind and down to earth and make me laugh. So it’s
important who your community is….ie if they’re your ‘tribe’. Finding my tribe
to hang out with makes me very happy.
my Big Leap community in my coaching company but never done that where I live.
And I love it.
When I don’t live in the present, it feels like I constantly
am waiting for the good stuff to begin. When I am constantly trying to
transform myself or wait until the moment that I can transform some part of my
life, I am telling myself that NOW is not enough, not good enough, that I need
to do a/b/c for me to truly enjoy myself. So I miss what is going on in the
present moment.
Whereas if you simply accept your reality, maybe not even
accept it but really EMBRACE it, then at least you’re not missing the main
show. All this amazing stuff going on in my life right now but I am missing it
because I’m always focussed on improving the future.
I know why I do it. It feels so much easier to live in your
imagination and gilded future than deal with the day to day ups and downs.
Contentment is accepting where you are right now, feeling your feelings, not
analysing them or trying to escape.
I suppose my fear is that if I accept things the way things
are, then they will not change and I will be stuck in a present reality feeling
fat, blue, confused or whatever. But what I am discovering is that life is
transforming mainly because I am accepting my feelings and being in the present
moment.
By accepting I felt blue at the dinosaur museum, not trying
to jolly myself along, I felt relief. And I am no longer judging how I feel. Or
trying to be with anything other than ‘what is’ right now.
I’m also ‘connecting’ more. When I was always living in the
future, I was like one of those annoying people at parties who speak to you but
have one eye fixed over your shoulder to see if there is anyone more
interesting behind you. They never truly connect with you.
When we don’t connect with the present, we’re not really
there in mind, body and spirit and life feels superficial, hollow. We can feel
empty, hungry for more, more, more.
I need to spend more time connecting with ‘what is’ right
now.
Today I felt blue. Probably hormones. I noticed that the first question I asked myself was - how am I going to feel better?
My son and I were going to the Dinosaur Museum (or National History Museum to be exact) and as we stood in the three mile line (it was half term), I pondered another question….is the route to inner peace about ACCEPTING how I feel versus always trying to run away from it or change it?
Acceptance versus self improvement – discuss.
I think I do have this belief that we have a right to be happy/happy/happy ALL THE TIME. And it’s exhausting. Maybe one of my obstacles to contentment is this impossible goal.
So standing in line to see a big plastic dinosaur that roars, I relaxed my body and allowed myself to feel blue. I accepted that I didn’t need to analyse why I was blue, that I wasn’t going to try to change it or make myself better? It was a relief. Contentment? Just allowing yourself to feel whatever you feel. Full stop? Not sure but certainly felt a relief.
This year started well. A national newspaper named me as one of the top ten gurus in the country. Wow, a guru. If only I knew what to wear.
I started my journey to gurudom 10 years ago when I woke up in the early hours of New Year’s Day dribbling on the shoulder of a strange man on a train. I had slept through my stop after drinking too much.
I was a journalist, working 16 hour days and my life was a mess. I used coffee to get me going, cigarettes to keep me going and alcohol to help me stop. All the while going to my job as health editor of a national magazine! I was up to my ears in debt, my relationship of 4 years was on the rocks, and I felt trapped on a treadmill of 16 hour 7 day weeks. I was knackered and I wanted to get off the treadmill.
Something had to change. And as it turned out – that thing was me. Ten years ago, I woke up with dribble on my chin and vowed to change my life.
My first stop was to hire a life coach and I discovered it really worked for me. And over a period of 2 years, I really did make some big changes – I stopped drinking to excess, I stopped smoking, lost weight, got out of debt, transformed my relationship with my husband (we’re still married).
In the years following, I trained to become a coach, wrote a best-selling coaching book Making The Big Leap, founded my own coaching business The Big Leap, was invited to write my own column, moved to the country from London and most life changing of all had my beautiful son Charlie after many years of trying.
And now to top it all 10 years on, I woke New Year’s Day 2007 and I was suddenly being named as a top guru.
All my boxes were ticked, surely? I could sink back and be happy now, yes? So why on earth was I scanning the horizon for more, more, more?
It’s more subtle but somehow I feel like I’m still on that treadmill that I advise others to step off. I never feel like I can rest. I am restless, constantly looking for new things to change/leaps to make, for new transformations. When I tried to set my goals for this year, I completely stalled. What did I really, really want, I asked myself? I’ve got what I said I wanted …..so just I just go for the bigger/shinier versions now?
I want to feel that inner peace, that sense of ‘I’m there’, to be able to appreciate all that I have in my life now (so much) without planning the next big thing. So I have decided to dedicate my focus this year on that theme: The Big Peace.
So this is what this blog is about: my journey to find that missing peace in my life : the Big Peace that I know no longer lies at the bottom of a wine bottle or a stiff, expensive carrier bag. It isn’t even about me reaching my goals, being thinner, richer or more successful (although that seems to help sometimes!).
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