Archive for December, 2009

So how do you get from the misery of Christmas martyrdom to making a little bit merry?

Say F**k it. Oh, we’ve done that already.

Ok, try another small but equally powerful word ‘no’. Yes, yes, yes, I know we all know about ‘no’.

But if you’re a people pleaser it’s the word you’ll have the most trouble with.

Why? Because we say yes, because we want people to like us, to think we’re great and by saying YES, it gets our need for approval met.

The coaching model recommends that you don’t try to get over your needs or deny them but to get them met in a healthier way.

Saying yes gets your needs mets instantly- people nod, smile and think you’re fabulous – for running the stall on the Christmas fayre/baking the cakes/having everyone round for Christmas lunch/organising the Christmas do but what does it cost you in the long run? (Why is it always you stressed up to the eyeballs where everyone else is having fun with the champagne?)

So here’s the rub – how can we say no but still get your need for approval met?

Try some of these three strategies:

Focus on gaining long-term respect versus approval. If you’re a people pleaser you find it hard to say no because you want to be liked and approved of in the moment. But often this can back-fire because we often over promise and can’t deliver long-term and ultimately this makes every one very stressed. Learn to say no so you can create realistic, deliverable results in whatever you do. You then become someone everyone can trust – which gets you the respect and approval you crave.

Build your list of resources. The approval addict’s most commonly used phrase is: ‘Yes, of course, I’ll help you with that.’ Instead of offering to help, build up a list of brilliant resources that can help others – from useful websites to inspirational books to a list of great caterers? People still think you’re wonderful but you’re not up ’til midnight cooking the Christmas cake or writing your colleague’s report while they’re off to the Christmas do.

Build your list of phrases. It really helps to have the right vocabularyt hat you have perfected, which allows you to say no but also helps the other person. ‘I’m sorry, my plate is really full right now, I can’t help you with this but have you tried….?’ Or ‘I’d love to help you with this but I simply don’t have the time. I tell you where you might be able to find some help with this….’

I hope you have a lovely Sunday.

Suzy x

P.S Remember this programme is completely free but we’re hoping you’re going to donate to Lynne McNicoll’s brilliant charity, helping teenagers with cancer.

P.P.S The Big Peace Live starts February 1st. Sign up before 31st December and you get 3 x free one to one telephone sessions with me.

So what do you want for Christmas? What do you mean, you don’t know?

If you haven’t got a clue what you want but you know what your partner/ kids/great auntie Nessie/brother in law wants, then read on.

Christmas sends many of us into people-pleasing/perfectionist overdrive. Culturally, we are brought up with a belief that ‘good girls/good boys’ earn the brownie points and historically many of us were taught to look after others before ourselves. This was seen as a good thing. I’m not suggesting that giving time and energy to our loved ones is a bad thing but when we start giving at the expense of ourselves and it begins to cost us our health and our sanity, then I would challenge you to stop.

Because no one likes the smell of a burning turkey or martyr.

Just below the surface of our quiet (and sometimes not so quiet) martyrdom can lie a bed of own seething unmet needs to be loved, to be needed, to be approved of. And beneath those unmet needs lie beliefs that we learnt in childhood that ‘I am not good enough/love is conditional/I must do a + b +c to be loved.

It’s a seductive scam to fall into because it works very well, we do get approval, love and attention for being seen as a ‘good’ person but ultimately the costs can be huge. You’re constantly exhausted, bitter and resentful, irritable and horrible to be around. And everyone ends up weeping into the turkey on Christmas day.

In the next few days, we’re going to look at all of this but for now, I want you to draw a line – your ‘martyr-mode line’

If you are a sucker for approval,you probably offer to help at the drop of a hat. But when Christmas sends you into overdrive, you may find yourself still agreeing to do everything but feeling all martyr-like instead.

Write down the exact script that plays in your head when your people pleasing tips over into martyr mode? (‘poor me, I have to do everything, no one ever helps’ etc etc)

Also write down list of ‘symptoms’ when you find yourself in full-out martyr mode -  Scrubbing the kitchen floor at midnight? Finding yourself bitterly complaining about everyone to your best friend?
Being judgemental and bitchy about other people if they seem happy and relaxed?

Tomorrow we’ll tackle how to go from martyred to merry!

So how did you get on with your list? The 10 things you love and the 10 things you hate about Christmas?

I started this blog about going on a journey to ‘find’ my Big Peace in 2007 and interviewed lots of gurus on how we could find
that illusive inner peace.

One of the brilliant experts I spoke to – and have since met and worked with – was John Parkin, author of F**k It!

No, I’m not cursing! F**k It! is an inspiring and anarchic book, published by Hay House, based on ancient philosophy of Chi Kung and Taoism, which is about flowing where life is taking you versus trying to control it.

(John said F**k It to his life and job in London in 2004 and left with his wife and one year old twins in tow in their camper van and set up the holistic centre The Hill That Breathes in Italy, he realized that saying Fuck It can truly transform your life forever.)

John helped me make one of my first rather profound shifts on my journey to peace. Why? I was one of the ‘positive thinking’ brigade – I was always trying to look on the bright side, trying to ‘re-frame’ my thoughts, and be ra-ra-ra.

But more often than not, I just felt exhausted.

“Stop clinging to how you want things to be and try letting go – of your ideas, beliefs and expectations. Accept life for what it is,” John said. “Stop moaning and simply say Fuck It and accept life in all its wonderful, stressful, lonely, awful, delightful ways. The truth is there’s not a lot you can do about most of it.”

For a self-improvement junkie, like myself, this was one of the most refreshing things I’d ever heard.

And profoundly shifted things for me. The F**k It phrase is one that I now use often and with delight.

So Day 2 of the Big Peace at Christmas, look at your list of the 10 hates/loves about Christmas and just accept both sides of the coin.

Accept that you may have great times and also awful times this Christmas and just say “F**k it!”.

(P.S I interviewed John last year for Red magazine on how to have a happy Christmas and he said there were 5 steps:  “Firstly, you need to relax (step 1 of the F**k It Christmas), then work out what makes you happy (step 2) and then tell the truth about what you want (step 3), let go of your high expectations (step 4) And then accept your Christmas/life/others just as they are (step 5).

And the main thing is to remember that there is not much you can do about making other people happy. That’s their responsibility.
Make yourself happy.”)

John’s new book The F**k It way: The Modern Way to Transform YourLife (Hay House, £6.99) has just been published.

Have a good F**k it day!

Suzy x