So what do you want for Christmas? What do you mean, you don’t know?

If you haven’t got a clue what you want but you know what your partner/ kids/great auntie Nessie/brother in law wants, then read on.

Christmas sends many of us into people-pleasing/perfectionist overdrive. Culturally, we are brought up with a belief that ‘good girls/good boys’ earn the brownie points and historically many of us were taught to look after others before ourselves. This was seen as a good thing. I’m not suggesting that giving time and energy to our loved ones is a bad thing but when we start giving at the expense of ourselves and it begins to cost us our health and our sanity, then I would challenge you to stop.

Because no one likes the smell of a burning turkey or martyr.

Just below the surface of our quiet (and sometimes not so quiet) martyrdom can lie a bed of own seething unmet needs to be loved, to be needed, to be approved of. And beneath those unmet needs lie beliefs that we learnt in childhood that ‘I am not good enough/love is conditional/I must do a + b +c to be loved.

It’s a seductive scam to fall into because it works very well, we do get approval, love and attention for being seen as a ‘good’ person but ultimately the costs can be huge. You’re constantly exhausted, bitter and resentful, irritable and horrible to be around. And everyone ends up weeping into the turkey on Christmas day.

In the next few days, we’re going to look at all of this but for now, I want you to draw a line – your ‘martyr-mode line’

If you are a sucker for approval,you probably offer to help at the drop of a hat. But when Christmas sends you into overdrive, you may find yourself still agreeing to do everything but feeling all martyr-like instead.

Write down the exact script that plays in your head when your people pleasing tips over into martyr mode? (‘poor me, I have to do everything, no one ever helps’ etc etc)

Also write down list of ‘symptoms’ when you find yourself in full-out martyr mode -  Scrubbing the kitchen floor at midnight? Finding yourself bitterly complaining about everyone to your best friend?
Being judgemental and bitchy about other people if they seem happy and relaxed?

Tomorrow we’ll tackle how to go from martyred to merry!