I shared Jan’s surprise at reading my morning pages and finding that they weren’t as negative as I thought they’d be. Thank you for this great post, Jan:

Jan says: “Strange, I never used to have a problem getting my homework done, but that was a [very!] long time ago. OK, here goes. I’m writing this in bed on a Friday morning and know full well I need to be up, showered and ready to go to Brighton in about 2 hours. Plus the technology may fail, as the netbook is distinctly flaky. And I’m a bit distracted by election results, because it could mean 40% cuts for my job and that’s a bit of a worry.

Right, cats still haven’t eaten my homework, so I’d better start. I felt immense resistance to week 9. Yes, I’d love a sense of compassion, but the very idea of looking back at my  morning pages had me in a panic. I’ve done this course twice before, once in 1999 and once in 2001. When I tried looking back at my old pages I ended up feeling very emotional, and I was very fearful that I’d end up immobilised by fear and hating myself.

This week I’ve done my morning pages every day. I journalled online about my fears and got some lovely support. Must say that is one thing I am incredibly grateful for, doing this with other people. There is such a supportive atmosphere, it’s fascinating to hear the different responses to the weeks, and I’d really love this community to continue after the 12 weeks.

The weekend was frustrating, highlight being the loo flooding the kitchen in a random way on Mon afternoon. We got it sorted but I started to feel the Universe was out to get me. But I kept on doing the pages. Tues I had a bit of an epiphany – started to do the breaking through blocks,  did a lot of blurts re inadequacy, and to my great surprise found myself writing “You CAN do it” to an ever-increasing number of things.

So after that I thought I’d start looking through  my pages. I was amazed at just how much I’d dealt with, and how many changes I’d made, going from the “feel like a s***ing frog in a blender” in week 1 to “I have decided I need a chunk of time off this summer…and I have booked it” in week 9. I’ve also seen I’m trying to connect with people a lot more – have been inviting friends over,  catching up with old friends, writing more letters…Small changes, but they’re leading to a richer life. I guess it’s also been about lowering the jumps. No, I don’t appear to be writing the 1970s campus novel any time soon, but I am considering writing about my wartime research for a local history journal.

I’ve gained so much from these 9 weeks. I’ve started walking pretty much every day; I even came 8th out of 54 in my workplace’s “Walking to work week” in week 8, and I’ll be doing the Race for Life in June. My wardrobe is still cluttered…but it’s cluttered with more colourful stuff that fits better! I’ve started to play more with my watercolours [OK, the Barbie side of floral painting!] and am starting to feel my way to doing more writing. And I’m being braver. Which is why I volunteered to write this.

Good luck with week 10, everyone, and thanks for being there!”